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Well, after doing all these labyrinthine diagnostics, I tried both gcc -v and g++ -v and found them to be different versions. I tried for a while to use update-alternatives to get them both pointing to 4.9, but that didn't change my errors. I then just did sudo aptitude reinstall gcc; sudo aptitude reinstall g++ and it seems to be compiling fine now (and both report v5.4.1). Sheesh, don't know how I managed to mess that up.